Nick's Random Thoughts

Just shit from my fucked up mind

I don’t want to live on this planet anymore!

So it’s the day after the election results and for some unknown reason, the rednecks, bigots, and holy rollers of ‘murica decided it would be a good idea to elect an orange cheese puff, disguised as a lizard, disguised as a a human as our next president. WTF!! It’s like waking up in some bizzaro land where reality has just decided to say,  “Fuck it, I’m taking a vacation.”

So yeah, I get it. Trump has made a lot of promises that white America wants to hear. Deport the illegals, stop the Muslims, build the wall…but what these assholes that voted for him don’t seem to realize is, he’s got the rest of the world scared shitless. He’s talking about how NATO needs to have less US support, he’s wanting to reopen coal mines, strong arm the Keystone pipeline and drill drill drill off the coasts of America. Don’t believe me? Look at his plans for his first 100 days in office, it’s like a checklist on how to ensure the downfall of the republic in 100 days.

As for the coal mines, fuck those shitholes. Coal is the reason West Virginia is stuck 20 years behind the rest of the US. It’s disgraceful how the uneducated masses that live there have such strong support for a dirty, limited resource such as coal. These poor mother fuckers don’t have a choice though, it’s either work in the mines, move the fuck away or try your best to get on some kind of check so you can sit at home, fucked up on pain pills everyday. Do this, go to Google maps satellite view and look up Mingo County, West Virginia and start scrolling out, you’ll start to notice huge brown scars in a sea of green. That people, is what it looks like when a coal company removes a mountain top for the coal. For those of you that are thinking, “but I’ve been to West Virginia, and it’s beautiful.” Drive through Mingo, Wyoming, McDowelle or Boone counties in the winter, stay off of the interstates though. Then tell me how fucking beautiful it is, when the green of summer isn’t covering up the filth. Oh and good luck trying to get any type of cell phone signal anywhere other than right on the interstate.

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Coping with a suicide sucks.

On September 17th, 2018 my younger brother, Jason, came by our Mom’s house after being away for around two weeks.

See Jason had become a heavy drug user, he was shooting heroin into one arm and meth into the other. His addiction had driven him to steal mom’s car a few months earlier, after being out of jail for 4 days. When the cops caught up with him he was arrested, and while searching the car they found a rifle that he was trying to sell. His first stay in jail was for assaulting a police officer, second was for probation violation due to failure of a drug test. The assault of the police officer was a felony, which makes you ineligible to have in your possession a firearm in the state of Virginia. So when they found the rifle they took him to jail, and charged him with “Unauthorized use of a motor vehicle” and “Possession of a firearm by a violent felon”.

Jason was where Jason needed to be, behind steel bars and concrete walls. Those two things make it a lot harder to get your hands on drugs. My brother was one of the best people you could have met when he was clean, a great father, hard working, funny, just a good guy that you’d want to be around. When he was using though, he could piss off the Pope. He became paranoid, everyone was out to get him, to do him wrong in one way or the other. So he had pushed most everyone that cared for him away.

Anyhow, my family and I thought Jason would be safe because he was in jail, and facing a mandatory 5 – 10 year sentence. No more overdoses, no more Narcan prescriptions, no more wondering when the call would come that he was gone from this existence. Mom and Dad agreed and refused to post his bond this time. Before Jason had become a heavy user, when I say heavy user I mean he had jumped from pot and alcohol to heroin, meth and anything else he could get his hands on, he had worked for the city for close to 12 years. During those 12 years he had been contributing to a retirement plan and had money in it that he had never touched. If you’ve ever left a job with a retirement plan you know they send you occasional reminders that they still have your money and its growth or lose. So Jason was receiving mail at mom’s since he and his wife had separated. Jason was in jail and everything was going fine, until somebody posted his bond. Come to find out that on one of her trips to Mom’s for the kids to visit their Nana, his wife had went through his mail and found the statement from the investment firm that was holding his retirement money. So she goes to the jail and makes a deal, he would sign the paperwork to cash out his retirement, she would use it to post his bond and give him a share of it, but she got the majority of it because “She was taking care of the kids”. He agreed and showed back up on Mom’s doorstep needing a place to live, but this time he had money in his pocket, so he didn’t have to steal mom’s car. See, junkies would walk through fire, barefoot for that next fix. So all he had to do was make a call or two and he was back up with his old crew, and had a needle in his arm before midnight. He would come to Mom’s to eat and sleep but he was staying high and kept falling deeper and deeper into this hole that addiction leaves you in. The hole where after you run out of money all of your “friends” seem to turn into smoke and don’t give a shit about you.

On September 17th, 2018 my younger brother, Jason, came by our Mom’s house after being away for around two weeks. He had called her from downtown and she went and picked him up and brought him to her house. When he got there he text our Dad and started a fight with him, grabbed a bite to eat, and asked Mom to take him back downtown. Mom had been drinking and told him, No! Jason walked out on Mom’s front porch, Mom asked her husband if he would take him and he said yes. Mom started walking toward the front door to tell him, he was standing outside of the door looking at Mom through the glass, raised our Grandfather’s pistol to his temple and pulled the trigger. He died a few minutes later with my Mom holding his head begging him to breath. When the EMS arrived they pronounced him DOA. Where this was a firearm involved death the police had to come and swab Mom and her husband’s hands for gunshot residue. While all of this was happening, which took around 4 hours to finish their investigation, my dead brother laid on the porch of my devastated Mom, while she sat in her kitchen making phone calls to family letting us know that Jason was dead.

This has been one of the hardest things in my life that I have had to deal with. I hadn’t talked to Jason in about 6 months. He made sure to tell me how much he hated me and to stay out of his fucking life before we stopped talking. I knew it was the drugs talking, but I granted his wish this time since it only took 4 days for him to be back in jail, and knowing he was going away for a longer stretch this time, I thought I would patch things up again once he was in and clean.

We put him to rest 9/24/18, which was two days ago, and although I wasn’t there I keep imagining him looking up at my mom with a pistol to his head and him pulling the trigger, and then the horror on my Mom’s face as he falls in front of the door. The pain is fucking raw still, the hurt I see in her and my Dad’s eyes doesn’t seem like it will ever go away. I won’t even go into the hurt it has caused his children, but it has torn a piece of me away, and caused so many that his life had touched pain. I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy. Suicide may end your pain, and break you free from the demons that have their claws in you, but it causes so much more pain to those that love and care for you. Find help, scream from the top of your lungs that you need it if you have to, but please find help, somebody cares.

Amber Dawn Williams

Have you ever just been minding your own business, just cruising through life, when all of a sudden your brain is like, “Hey! Remember that time…?” and it fucks with your head the rest of the day? This happened to me yesterday, I was driving a stretch of interstate outside of Greenbriar, WV and out of nowhere I start thinking about a friend of mine that I haven’t seen in like 20 years. She and I were never involved romantically, I had friends that were pursuing her in that way and I didn’t really want to try and compete with them. Plus, at that time I thought she was out of my league, I’ve always had self image issues so I could never really tell when I was being flirted with, not that she ever did or if she did I totally missed it. Girls pretty much always had to tell me to my face that they liked me or asked me out. Anyhow she and I were never involved like that, don’t get me wrong she was drop dead gorgeous, smart, funny, with a kind heart and a quick wit. I don’t use words like gorgeous lightly either, that word really does describe Amber. We had nicknames for each other and would goof around, she was part of a close group of friends. Hell, we all went to prom together, we worked together, we hung out at each others houses. Granted this was 20+ years ago, and 20 years might as well be a lifetime, so much can happen in that span of years. I joined the Navy and saw Amber one time after that. I had come back home with a friend of mine that I was stationed with and decided to stop at a taco bell in Lynchburg, VA. I swear this was a totally random event, we walked in and there she stood in line buying tacos, as soon as she saw me she lit up called me Nick-Joe and gave me a huge hug. She invited us downtown to watch a a guy that was singing at some coffee shop, so of course I went. When I got there I noticed that a guy we went to school with named Mike was with her. I said my hellos to him and my Navy friend, a half Filipino brute of a boy named Steve, and I grab a table. I hadn’t seen Amber in almost a year at this time, so we had a lot to catch up on. We were laughing, and I was telling her about what being in the Navy was like. It was like I had never even left, but then Mike motioned her over to where he was sitting, and said something to her. Her face dropped, she came back gave me a quick hug, told me that Mike wanted her to sit with him, told me to be safe and that was the last time that we have spoken. The look Mike gave me after that made me want to crush his face with a coffee mug, it was jealousy and smug satisfaction, like he had just pissed on her leg to assert dominance and had won. It has bothered me to this day seeing my beautiful, smiling, happy go lucky friend’s face drop the way hers did that night, and I wish I would have done more, anything…

I titled this post with her maiden name so that maybe someday she will google herself and she may see it. Hell, I may even send her a link if I find a way to contact her. I hope my Dawn-Amber is happy though, I hope her dreams have come true, and that she’s still a beautiful goofball with a smile that can melt hearts. The last I heard she is living somewhere in Illinois, is married, has kids and goes by Amber Dawn Brooks now. I’m not trying to change anybodies situation mine or hers but I’d like her to know that she is still loved and holds a very special place in my heart. I still can’t listen to Mazzy Star without thinking of you. I miss you my friend.


Fuck, It has been awhile!

So as the title said it has been awhile since I last put thoughts down “on paper”. Over two years now into Trump’s fucking nightmare of an administration, he has separated children from their parents and put them in cages and camps. He’s trying to destroy the environment and the EPA by putting coal and oil barons into the position. His administration has been under investigation for conspiring with Russia to help win the election, Oh! and he’s trying to turn the people against the media outlets that do not portray him in a positive light. I hope it royally chaps his ass when he sees the big floating man baby blimp on his trip to England. You gotta take the small victories, because we are on the verge of being handed a huge lose. Justice Kennedy and Trump have been conspiring to nominate a new justice that wants to overturn Rowe Vs Wade and make it impossible to indict a sitting president. Trump want to be above the law. I just hope the Dems in congress can hold off that appointment until after Nov. 6th 2018. There has been a great eye opening in the US, people now see what happens when you stay home on election day. But anyhow, Fuck Trump. I wish Robert Mueller would happen to finish his investigation right around October, let him see what swinging an election feels like. Anyhow, enough about the man baby.




Why I deactivated my Facebook account.

So yesterday I deactivated my Facebook account. It was kind of a liberating experience to say fuck it, and pull the trigger on it. I’m not somebody that really has anything to hide, or believe that anyone is out to get me. I’m just sick of the same old stupid bullshit every fucking day. I’m sick of seeing my cousins ignorant asses belittling people for posting scientific fact or verbally jerking each other off when they gang up on someone. I’m sick of seeing “Like if you love Jesus” and “Please pray for little Suzy” posted every fucking day from the same fucking people. I’m sick of the game requests, and the little red notifications over the app on my phone. I’m sick of my mom posting bullshit links to more fucking clothes and shoes. I’m sick of fucking Facebook.

There were a few things I did like about it though, it gave me a chance to catch up with old friends that I served in the military with. There was a guy that would post some of the funniest memes I’ve seen. I was able to plan a get together with friends on short notice, and seeing pictures of family that live far away. But the Pros were largely outweighed by the Cons.

Will I eventually re-activate my account? Yeah, more than likely, I have reunions and shit coming up in a few months and need information about those. I guess it really depends on how I feel in a month or two without it, but the first mother fucker that mentions Fuckface von Clownstick (Donald Trump) to me will be unfriended.

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